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April 13th 2011 23:23
Fot those of you unable to sleep at the thought of no more unresearched rants on sport The Backpocket's new home is Really Long Link



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Feel The Power Of The Big Scam

October 12th 2010 11:15
There was a bloke called Victor Lustig who successfully sold the Eiffel Tower as scrap metal. Twice.
He was a smooth talking French conman living in Paris in the 1920's, but you could be forgiven for thinking he had plenty in common with a washed up centre half forward from the Melbourne Demons. If he were still kicking, there is no doubt the devillish Lustig would be chuffed to see the likes of David Schwarz at the promotional helm of the Eken Power Band - a modern-day scam that would make the old frog blush with pride.

In honour of SEN's latest round of promotional ear cancer (at least Frank Walker's tiles DO something), here is a brief glimpse of some famous self-help gurus peddling their wares. Have a guess which are taking the piss (hint: It's bloody hard to tell).


"So I sat down and did a huge list of everything I had read ... and when I finished the list I handed it to them [the film production team]. They said that's impossible, you couldn't read that many books in a year, two years, and I had read all of those books in two and a half weeks - and well, that's The Secret."
Rhonda Byrne from The Secret

"I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock."
Tom Cruise as Frank T.J Mackey in Magnolia

"The nFIT (nano Frequency Infusion Technology) method ensures that each hologram receives a highly concentrated dose of the frequencies required to produce the highest potency and longest lasting product on the market."
Gobbildegook from the Eken Power Band website

"A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument."Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down.
"You're fuckin out!"
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Nightmare in Sleepy Hollow

August 16th 2010 03:14
There is a particularly vivid nightmare that has been keeping Cats fans awake all season. The dream takes place in the summer months when the desperation for new football stories becomes so all-encompassing that Dane Swan’s latest tattoo disaster gets saturation coverage. After much conjecture and innuendo surrounding his future, Geelong’s favourite son, Gary Ablett, has decided to schedule an hour-long special on a 24-hour sports channel to officially announce to the world where he will play out the remainder of his glittering career. Firstly, he strings along the vast audience by engaging in some pointless chatter with a smug sports anchor. After which, the prodigal son looks down the barrel and announces to the world, without even a flicker of emotion, that he will be leaving his hometown to be ply his trade in a warmer, more glamorous locale. This is the point in the dream when Geelong fans realise they are sitting in maths class with nothing on but a tattered pair of Target underpants.

But what makes for a Geelong fan’s worst nightmare, is a Cleveland Cavalier fan’s terrifying reality.
If you substitute a freakishly gifted bald midget in horizontal stripes for a freakishly gifted basketballer named Lebron James then trade Gold Coast for Miami and you have the most controversial player defection of all time. A brutal ESPN-televised event named ‘The Decision’ that broke a million hearts last month.
A Cleveland dartboard

Conceived with all the ‘main event’ mentality synonymous with American sports, ‘The Decision’ turned a controversial sports transfer into a brash ratings winner and perhaps the first instance of television-related genocide since ‘The Nanny’ first aired on Channel 10.
My dartboard

The tortured fan base of Cleveland has not won a title in any sport since the Browns’ won an NFL Championship in 1964. In Lebron, they had a home-grown messiah seemingly destined to drag the city to glory atop his broad shoulders that have been emblazoned with the words ‘Chosen 1’ in ink since he was 19. But after seven campaigns, the last of which faltered badly in the playoffs, there he was, dressed in a muted checked shirt, leaving an entire city to twist naked in the wind via a television special that caused the instant devalue of 10 million No.23 Cavs jerseys.

The AFL’s own high profile transfer charade has seen Ablett cop criticsm for all the ‘will he-won’t he’ conjecture. There has been plenty of talk about the saga threatening to overshadow the Cats tilt at a third flag in four years. But in light of what happened to the Cavaliers, those down in Sleepy Hollow may count themselves lucky they at least got to drink themselves unconscious in the honour of a couple of flags. They should also be grateful to have avoided such a sharp knife in the back from one of their own on national TV.

For now, at least.

And AFL players and coaches with misgivings about the amount of media scrutiny have plenty to fear if our sports coverage continues down the inevitable path forged by our American cousins.

Lebron’s ‘Decision’ special was preceded by weeks of 24-hour saturation coverage in what was the biggest free agent summer in basketball history. Fiery debates raged across sterile made-for-TV desks as ESPN wheeled in ex-players, ex-coaches, analysts, experts, and seemingly anyone with a passing interest in baggy shorts and tattoo sleeves. But with factual information only being drip-fed to media outlets, no one actually knew anything. It was like an argument between two toddlers about the merits of the mining tax.

And with so much time to fill in the 24-hour news cycle, it became a matter of ESPN experts desperately trying to keep their jobs by breaking any half-baked rumour as a genuine news story. It was like a million Hutchy’s arguing with themselves about the length of a piece of string. Or it was just like Footy Classified.
Humanity's dartboard

The SEN era may be the precursor to this kind of reportage in Australia, so AFL players better be on excellent terms with their media trainer and be highly skilled at pretending to talk on mobile phones because it will only take a major scandal such as the Carey/Stevens saga to see how close we are to the American blueprint. Or maybe just the televised defection of a favourite son? You can practically hear the light go on above Ricky Nixon’s head. Watch this space.
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Welcome to The Big (horror) Show

June 22nd 2010 01:01
The Socceroos World Cup campaign thus far has had all the hallmarks of every horror film ever committed to celluloid. The opening match defeat at the hands of Germany was a genuine bloodbath. Little in the way of plot, but a devastating body count. Jason Voorhes could have been leading the line for the Germans with Michael Myers marshalling the back four it was that gruesome.
Is that Miroslav Klose?

Luckily I find it hard to recall the finer details of the match due to the winning combination of warm tap beer and sleep deprivation. The onslaught of creative swearing that greeted the fourth German goal is about the only hazy memory that has survived from that night. And those harsh words will now forever ring out every time I see Lucas Podolski on the TV or I eat a schnitzel sandwich


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Footy's Final Frontier

June 11th 2010 00:51
The AFL’s relentless push into new territory is a little bit reminiscent of the Americans planting a stars and stripes flag on the surface of the moon. Boldly going where no code has gone before, whether you like it or not.

Outer space is pretty much the only region that hasn’t yet felt the sensation of a football code being thrust down its throat at pace. And that scenario is probably not that far away unless the AFL players association finally finds some testicular fortitude and deems space shuttle travel a breach of OH&S regulations


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The Sore Head Loss

May 26th 2010 00:24
Collingwood went into the Friday night blockbuster against Geelong brimming with all the confidence of Bindi Irwin. This was to be a marquee night for Mick’s maturing Pies, this was their big dance. Alas, they copped a lesson. And not just any run-of-the-mill primary school period between recess and lunch when everyone sits cross-legged in front of the TV to watch ‘Behind the News’. This was a lesson undertaken in the corporal punishment era by a Catholic School Brother with a grudge.

For the Pies, this is called a ‘sore head loss’. A sobering reality check that has supporters and players alike reaching for the Barocca


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The Answer Lies With Sly

April 15th 2010 10:45
If the first five minutes of last Friday night’s game didn’t set the pulses racing it is clear evidence that you were either stone-cold dead or simply just stoned. And if it was the latter, you’ve probably spent the last week at IMAX 3-D screenings of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ so you can be forgiven for shrugging your shoulders at the exploits of mere humans. But for the rest of us, it was difficult to know where to look, with spotfires erupting all over the place and the crowd revelling in the blood-lust like a bunch of drunk Romans.
It was footy from another era and it was electric.
Tim Burton obviously enjoys LSD

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The Kiwi Stomach Punch

April 6th 2010 03:05
Last month Kiwi cricket copped a kick to the teeth. It was swift and painful but hardly a surprise. And no, Scott Styrus was not involved. The pudgy trundler still has his front teeth fully intact as far as I’m aware, assuming he had them in the first place. Most of the time I find it quite difficult to tear my gaze away from his bedroom eyes.
The incident in question involves prominent New Zealand cricket administrator Sir John Anderson - the poor sod passed over for the role of ICC Vice President in favour of ex-Australian PM John Howard.
It was a hardly an astonishing decision given that the Australasian group making the nomination consisted of two Aussies and a Kiwi, but the pain lingers for New Zealand interests nonetheless


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NAB Cup? Press Snooze

February 21st 2010 00:42
For supporters of the competition’s strugglers the lead up to the NAB Cup is like the brief few seconds when you wake from a heavy night but your brain has yet to kick into gear. All you have is the warm static of a good night’s sleep to cloud your memory, so for a magnificent instant there are no recollections of drunken misdemeanours, dodgy kebabs or last season’s 10-goal thrashing at Etihad Stadium.

Over the summer months your club’s pre-season publicity drive has made the bottom of the dung heap feel like a kingdom in the clouds. That speculative second-round pick has apparently bulked up while the classy small forward has developed an engine and looks set for a successful move into the midfield


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Who's In Your Car? Part 4

January 28th 2010 04:57
There’s a car. A four-wheel drive perhaps. It’s travelling at high speed in treacherous conditions. The car will soon veer off the road and drop from a steep cliff into the ocean. The driver and all four passengers don’t stand a chance. The question is, out of all the oxygen thieves in the public eye, who do you nominate to fill those five seats?

Front passenger
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