DozzyDoes Joel Selwood Dream Of Electric Sheep?
July 21st 2008 07:44
Have you ever seen a second year player display as much poise as the young Cat? He runs to the right spots, never misses a target, refuses to shirk a contest. The kid is an android. Think about it. You know It's the only possible scenario that makes any sense.
Or is it?
I hate to debunk my own theory five sentences in, but it seems as though alot of young recruits have been taking to the big time at record speed. High draft picks are expected to provide instant success to a club and these days they pretty much do. So while Selwood may struggle with the depths of human emotion, much like Dermie, there must be a simpler answer that encompasses all of the genuine flesh and bone out there.
Collingwood have made no secret of the ace up their black and white sleeve. The Young Player Development Program was instigated by Alan Richardson when it was discovered that the club has more money than J.K Rowling and actually wiping their arses with 20 dollar bills could be interpreted as defecation of a national currency (a federal offence).
From what I understand the development training is meant to fast-track new recruits and consists of being assaulted in the crotch by 50lb sandbags while a tape of Ryan Crowley talking about your mother is played until your ears bleed. The media training component requires each young tyke to be strapped into a dentist chair and forced to sit through 12 continuous hours of the Channel 7 Sunday Footy Panel. According to Richardson if the player emerges from the darkened room swinging violently at shadows and muttering shrill threats to gouge out Robbo's vocal chords with a blunt butter knife then its been a wonderful success. To round it all off students are presented with seperate pictures of John Anthony and a melon and are expected to identify the melon within the hour. If the melon is not correctly identified electrodes attached to the player's testicles provide immediate and severe electrocution. Of course the traditional recovery session sees the players getting rid of these aches and pains in the cold waters lapping at the shore of the Collingwood training facility at Guantanamo Bay.
This method seems to stack up well with the program at Arden St, where players with less than 10 games experience are expected to train with only one boot between three, thus requiring some quick thinking and no shoelaces. Which is a relief, because the Kangaroo bootstudder is all out of shoelaces. Which is a further relief because there isn't a Kangaroo bootstudder.
But at the end of the day the youngsters from the Pies recently had an off night against the up and coming Roos (except for the melon, who kicked a lazy 4) so the jury is out on which method will have the most success in the longterm.
As far as I'm concerned there is only one way to determine when a young player is ready for the rigours of AFL footy and thats the answer to one simple question:
'What is your favourite movie?'
If the answer begins with an 'S' and ends with 'hawshank Redemption' the kid is ready.
Or is it?
I hate to debunk my own theory five sentences in, but it seems as though alot of young recruits have been taking to the big time at record speed. High draft picks are expected to provide instant success to a club and these days they pretty much do. So while Selwood may struggle with the depths of human emotion, much like Dermie, there must be a simpler answer that encompasses all of the genuine flesh and bone out there.
Collingwood have made no secret of the ace up their black and white sleeve. The Young Player Development Program was instigated by Alan Richardson when it was discovered that the club has more money than J.K Rowling and actually wiping their arses with 20 dollar bills could be interpreted as defecation of a national currency (a federal offence).
From what I understand the development training is meant to fast-track new recruits and consists of being assaulted in the crotch by 50lb sandbags while a tape of Ryan Crowley talking about your mother is played until your ears bleed. The media training component requires each young tyke to be strapped into a dentist chair and forced to sit through 12 continuous hours of the Channel 7 Sunday Footy Panel. According to Richardson if the player emerges from the darkened room swinging violently at shadows and muttering shrill threats to gouge out Robbo's vocal chords with a blunt butter knife then its been a wonderful success. To round it all off students are presented with seperate pictures of John Anthony and a melon and are expected to identify the melon within the hour. If the melon is not correctly identified electrodes attached to the player's testicles provide immediate and severe electrocution. Of course the traditional recovery session sees the players getting rid of these aches and pains in the cold waters lapping at the shore of the Collingwood training facility at Guantanamo Bay.
This method seems to stack up well with the program at Arden St, where players with less than 10 games experience are expected to train with only one boot between three, thus requiring some quick thinking and no shoelaces. Which is a relief, because the Kangaroo bootstudder is all out of shoelaces. Which is a further relief because there isn't a Kangaroo bootstudder.
But at the end of the day the youngsters from the Pies recently had an off night against the up and coming Roos (except for the melon, who kicked a lazy 4) so the jury is out on which method will have the most success in the longterm.
As far as I'm concerned there is only one way to determine when a young player is ready for the rigours of AFL footy and thats the answer to one simple question:
'What is your favourite movie?'
If the answer begins with an 'S' and ends with 'hawshank Redemption' the kid is ready.
John Anthony marks strongly for the Pies
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Comment by The Funky Wiff