DozzyIs A Team of Nobodies Really A Team? Part 3
February 24th 2009 02:38
Half Forward Flank
Phillip Matera
Phillip Matera followed in the grand tradition of the likes of Steven Hocking, Phillip Neville, Donald Cockatoo-Collins, Mimi McPhearson, Dean Waugh, Dannii Minogue, and Mariah Carey’s sister who was a hooker (yet, no doubt a heaps better human and possibly had more artistic merit). On the shit sibling scale Phillip probably sits somewhere between Lachy Daddo and Don Swayze, which isn’t the worst place in the world - there are hoardes of us ‘Animal House’ fans still waiting on a laugh from that fraud, Jim Belushi. And that doesn’t include the weird laugh-like cough of disgust that emanated from my shattered being when I accidentally watched ‘K-911’ (the sequel to K-9) while I was waiting for Sports Tonight to come on.
Phillip was pretty handy for the Eagles but he had the shocking habit of clapping himself everytime he scored a goal like a demented Sea World seal clamouring for attention from its keeper or Kate Laengbrook on The Panel clamouring for attention from Rob Sitch. The most infuriating thing was that it was one of those poorly executed pansy-claps made famous by Laengbrook and toy monkeys with miniature cymbals.
Unfortunately for Phillip he was hit by injury and poor form just as the Eagles approached their first flag since ’94 so we didn’t get a chance to see the ‘melon on a toothpick’ win one on the grand stage. Which is a crying shame because my guess is his bulbous planet-head and thin, stunted, Eric Muphy-esq rig would have come up a treat on a projector screen from Radio Rentals.
Although, lets not forget he was the precursor to Steven Milne and Shane Harvey and in all seriousness that should weigh heavily on his conscience till he claps his last shit clap.
Centre Half Forward
Earl Spalding
Earl Spalding is the perfect storm of forgotten footballing duds. Ridiculous name? Check. Limited ability? Check. Weird appearance? Check. How was this bloke anything but an alien pod? I’m sure I saw him in ‘Earth Girls are Easy’, a fish-out-of-water tale about aliens infiltrating the human race and getting fresh with some heavily made-up, niteclub-crawling mutton. Starring Jeff Goldblum.
He was a big, lumbering dud, no question. His long aimless leads across the Carlton half forward line were more the movements of a combine harvester that’s lost its driver. Totally out of control and carving out a path of destruction…reeeeeaaaaally… sloooooowwwwly…
But it’s hard to dislike the big feller. Well, it’s hard to dislike anyone named Earl really. Try it. It’s impossible. And Earl’s work ethic couldn’t possibly be called into question. I’m not sure what it was Earl did on the football field but whatever it was, he seemed to be doing alot of it. He definitely always looked buggered.
Half Forward Flank
Darren ‘Doc’ Wheildon
We’re deep in cult territory now. Doc looked like he could have been a roadie for Rose Tattoo. He had that unmistakeable crazy look in his eyes that suggested he had a weakness for morning glory wine and day-old Kahlua and milk. Doc would have had Angry’s groupies in awe with his backstage yarns about the ‘good old days’ when Jonny O’Keefe injected laundry detergent for a laugh and you could request a Meerkat on your rider when you played at the Star Hotel in Kings Cross and you’d get it.
Fortunately for Fitzroy somewhere along the line he traded in the black tape and greasepaint for a football and became the Darren Wheildon we all knew and loved and were a little bit scared of.
Impossibly mercurial, Doc’s signature move was an under pressure snap over the shoulder followed by a brain explosion, outbreak of violence and six weeks to think about what he’d done. I defy any footballer to provide more entertainment per square inch than Doc. If Buddy wants to match the great man he needs to forgo any thoughts of hair product and Coleman medals and just concentrate on straddling the thin line that separates prodigious talent and no-good bum. That’s the way Doc liked to live - one foot in the goal square and one foot in a pool of his own spew.
Today’s footballing fuck-ups aint got nothing on Doc, what was that Fev? You got caught pissing on a shopfront? Darren ‘Doc’ Wheildon’s career ended when he broke both his legs in a collision with a taxi on King St. SNAP!
Like Bon Scott drinking himself to death in a Datsun, there was an air of inevitability about the way that one ended up.
Tune in to Channel 7 to see Backpocket contributer, thesunnymunn, on Australia's Got Talent on Wednesday 25th of February. Needless to say he gives the judges some curry while attempting to seduce Danni Minogue AND he gets a standing ovation.
Phillip Matera
Phillip Matera followed in the grand tradition of the likes of Steven Hocking, Phillip Neville, Donald Cockatoo-Collins, Mimi McPhearson, Dean Waugh, Dannii Minogue, and Mariah Carey’s sister who was a hooker (yet, no doubt a heaps better human and possibly had more artistic merit). On the shit sibling scale Phillip probably sits somewhere between Lachy Daddo and Don Swayze, which isn’t the worst place in the world - there are hoardes of us ‘Animal House’ fans still waiting on a laugh from that fraud, Jim Belushi. And that doesn’t include the weird laugh-like cough of disgust that emanated from my shattered being when I accidentally watched ‘K-911’ (the sequel to K-9) while I was waiting for Sports Tonight to come on.
Phillip Matera
Unfortunately for Phillip he was hit by injury and poor form just as the Eagles approached their first flag since ’94 so we didn’t get a chance to see the ‘melon on a toothpick’ win one on the grand stage. Which is a crying shame because my guess is his bulbous planet-head and thin, stunted, Eric Muphy-esq rig would have come up a treat on a projector screen from Radio Rentals.
Centre Half Forward
Earl Spalding
Earl Spalding is the perfect storm of forgotten footballing duds. Ridiculous name? Check. Limited ability? Check. Weird appearance? Check. How was this bloke anything but an alien pod? I’m sure I saw him in ‘Earth Girls are Easy’, a fish-out-of-water tale about aliens infiltrating the human race and getting fresh with some heavily made-up, niteclub-crawling mutton. Starring Jeff Goldblum.
He was a big, lumbering dud, no question. His long aimless leads across the Carlton half forward line were more the movements of a combine harvester that’s lost its driver. Totally out of control and carving out a path of destruction…reeeeeaaaaally… sloooooowwwwly…
But it’s hard to dislike the big feller. Well, it’s hard to dislike anyone named Earl really. Try it. It’s impossible. And Earl’s work ethic couldn’t possibly be called into question. I’m not sure what it was Earl did on the football field but whatever it was, he seemed to be doing alot of it. He definitely always looked buggered.
Half Forward Flank
Darren ‘Doc’ Wheildon
We’re deep in cult territory now. Doc looked like he could have been a roadie for Rose Tattoo. He had that unmistakeable crazy look in his eyes that suggested he had a weakness for morning glory wine and day-old Kahlua and milk. Doc would have had Angry’s groupies in awe with his backstage yarns about the ‘good old days’ when Jonny O’Keefe injected laundry detergent for a laugh and you could request a Meerkat on your rider when you played at the Star Hotel in Kings Cross and you’d get it.
Fortunately for Fitzroy somewhere along the line he traded in the black tape and greasepaint for a football and became the Darren Wheildon we all knew and loved and were a little bit scared of.
Impossibly mercurial, Doc’s signature move was an under pressure snap over the shoulder followed by a brain explosion, outbreak of violence and six weeks to think about what he’d done. I defy any footballer to provide more entertainment per square inch than Doc. If Buddy wants to match the great man he needs to forgo any thoughts of hair product and Coleman medals and just concentrate on straddling the thin line that separates prodigious talent and no-good bum. That’s the way Doc liked to live - one foot in the goal square and one foot in a pool of his own spew.
Today’s footballing fuck-ups aint got nothing on Doc, what was that Fev? You got caught pissing on a shopfront? Darren ‘Doc’ Wheildon’s career ended when he broke both his legs in a collision with a taxi on King St. SNAP!
Like Bon Scott drinking himself to death in a Datsun, there was an air of inevitability about the way that one ended up.
Tune in to Channel 7 to see Backpocket contributer, thesunnymunn, on Australia's Got Talent on Wednesday 25th of February. Needless to say he gives the judges some curry while attempting to seduce Danni Minogue AND he gets a standing ovation.
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