DozzyIs K.B's B.O O.K?
October 8th 2008 23:28
Kevin Bartlett is a living legend of the game.
No doubt about it. He played 5 billion games and kicked god-knows how many goals. He won Grand Finals off his own boot. He’s been the only man on television with a comb-over that isn’t plugging vacuums. The man has some decent form. No question.
Currently, he’s the new star of a Carlton Draught ad which, like its predecessors, is a well-made re-creation of a classic footy moment. It’s a hoot. Look there’s Kevin refusing to handball! HAHA! There’s Kevin showing how utterly selfish he is by stealing that guy’s food! HAHAHA!
And all the while Kevin laughs and laughs, he’s having a genuinely great time is Kevin. And I’m sure there are plenty of people who are glad to see that after all these years Kevin’s willing to have a laugh at his own expense. Self-deprecation is a wonderful trait to possess, especially during these times of rising fuel prices and global economic unrest. He’s a great sport is our Kevin. Let’s all have a laugh at Kevin laughing at himself.
But hang on a minute…I’ve got a feeling that Kevin isn’t laughing at himself at all. He doesn’t seem at all worried that he’s being labelled The Most Selfish Man in VFL/AFL History. He seems thoroughly proud of the fact. He’s not laughing at himself, he’s laughing at us. He was the world’s biggest hog and he’s bloody rapt about it. In his 17 year career he made a point of only thinking about himself in every single situation. And he’s pumped about it. If someone went around society with that attitude they’d be labelled a sociopath and spend their days in a straitjacket eating food through a tube. I’ve played numerous sports with hogs and they shat me to tears. They were needy, vain and un-coachable. Certainly nothing to build a television career on. It’s the same as Sarah-Marie from Big Brother celebrating that she’s as dumb as a post or Corey Worthington being put on a pedestal because he’s an utter bastard.
I don’t find the whole thing very funny at all Kevin. In fact I find it quite disturbing. And I reckon there might be a fair few blokes that might be thinking along the same lines. Yep, they would be your old team mates Kevin.
Say Kevin played with 20 teammates in his first season and allowing for a further five new players for each of his 19 seasons, that makes a total of 115 ex-teammates that are watching that ad through a thick red mist. That’s 115 blokes that begged and pleaded for Kevin to pass the ball while he a) kicked a goal from the boundary, b) got tackled and penalised for holding the ball or by far the worst c) handballed the ball in front of him.
That is THE WORST thing a footballer can do on a football field. Talk about bringing the game into disrepute, shit, if there ever was a reason to bring in the send-off rule that is it. If Demetriou put it to a vote I’d back him only if the accused then had to do six months hard labour at Barwon Prison.
Funnily enough probably Kevin’s defining moment is that famous goal from the boundary in the 1980 Grand Final where he does just that. And looking back at the footage I’ve got the smallest inkling that Kev was pretty happy with his effort.
For the uninitiated that is the Ben Hur of understatement.
Have you seen the footage? He drills the goal and lapses into what can only be described as a ‘fit of hysteria’. There are tourettes sufferers that think Kevin may have stepped over the line. As he runs back to the square he literally cannot believe how good he is. His own mind can't handle his awesomeness. You can almost see his brain surging toward aneurism. Kevin could have been playing for anybody that day. He could have been wearing a hessian sack on a field of poppies playing against a pack of stormtroopers for all he knew. All Kevin knew was that Kevin was having a blinder.
These days Kevin spends his time broadcasting on SEN and sitting on the AFL’s rules committee. This turns out to be an eternally frustrating combination of roles. It just so happens that Kevin has NEVER been wrong. Not once. Last year Kevin and his wife had an argument about the time. Mrs Bartlett pointed at all the clocks in the house as proof it was 10am. Kevin thought it felt more like 9:45am. So clocks were changed and 9:45am it was. Kevin still believes the world is flat. He dismisses the irrefutable ‘proof’ as flights of fancy. ‘One day those crazy Alaskans will fall off the edge’ Kevin mutters as he stalks around the halls of SEN, a plume of body odour souring the morning milk on the way through. Kevin’s struggles with personal hygiene have been well-documented by those who’ve had the pleasure. When Kevin decides to skip the shower and head straight into the office after his morning run, the stench is so thick you can taste it. Sort of a cross between an oil-refinery and the burnt pubic hair of Laurie Oakes.
With all that in mind it’s a relief that Kevin was such a tremendous footballer who provided Richmond fans with many hours of pleasure, otherwise he’d be challenging Kyle Sandilands in the Worst Human Ever category. But, seriously, and I’m being 100 per cent honest here, our Kevin is not in the same ballpark as that turd. Mark Holden, himself a previous red-hot favourite for the WHE award, was a vacant, horribly self-obsessed, talentless phoney who got the sack from Australian Idol because channel 10 finally realised that he actually HAD NO SOUL.
So what does Sandilands do as his immediate replacement? He re-creates Holden’s idiotic catchphrase of ‘touchdown!’ to an audience who still have yet to figure out why an American Football reference was being shouted at them in the first place. I have never seen someone so STUPID do something so SHIT in all my life. An equivalent would be Human Nature covering the Crazy Frog song. But even that dosen’t come close.
Come to think of it, maybe Kevin aint that bad?
No doubt about it. He played 5 billion games and kicked god-knows how many goals. He won Grand Finals off his own boot. He’s been the only man on television with a comb-over that isn’t plugging vacuums. The man has some decent form. No question.
Kevin Bartlett
And all the while Kevin laughs and laughs, he’s having a genuinely great time is Kevin. And I’m sure there are plenty of people who are glad to see that after all these years Kevin’s willing to have a laugh at his own expense. Self-deprecation is a wonderful trait to possess, especially during these times of rising fuel prices and global economic unrest. He’s a great sport is our Kevin. Let’s all have a laugh at Kevin laughing at himself.
But hang on a minute…I’ve got a feeling that Kevin isn’t laughing at himself at all. He doesn’t seem at all worried that he’s being labelled The Most Selfish Man in VFL/AFL History. He seems thoroughly proud of the fact. He’s not laughing at himself, he’s laughing at us. He was the world’s biggest hog and he’s bloody rapt about it. In his 17 year career he made a point of only thinking about himself in every single situation. And he’s pumped about it. If someone went around society with that attitude they’d be labelled a sociopath and spend their days in a straitjacket eating food through a tube. I’ve played numerous sports with hogs and they shat me to tears. They were needy, vain and un-coachable. Certainly nothing to build a television career on. It’s the same as Sarah-Marie from Big Brother celebrating that she’s as dumb as a post or Corey Worthington being put on a pedestal because he’s an utter bastard.
Corey Worthington, struggling with the weight of being a knob.
I don’t find the whole thing very funny at all Kevin. In fact I find it quite disturbing. And I reckon there might be a fair few blokes that might be thinking along the same lines. Yep, they would be your old team mates Kevin.
Say Kevin played with 20 teammates in his first season and allowing for a further five new players for each of his 19 seasons, that makes a total of 115 ex-teammates that are watching that ad through a thick red mist. That’s 115 blokes that begged and pleaded for Kevin to pass the ball while he a) kicked a goal from the boundary, b) got tackled and penalised for holding the ball or by far the worst c) handballed the ball in front of him.
That is THE WORST thing a footballer can do on a football field. Talk about bringing the game into disrepute, shit, if there ever was a reason to bring in the send-off rule that is it. If Demetriou put it to a vote I’d back him only if the accused then had to do six months hard labour at Barwon Prison.
Funnily enough probably Kevin’s defining moment is that famous goal from the boundary in the 1980 Grand Final where he does just that. And looking back at the footage I’ve got the smallest inkling that Kev was pretty happy with his effort.
For the uninitiated that is the Ben Hur of understatement.
Have you seen the footage? He drills the goal and lapses into what can only be described as a ‘fit of hysteria’. There are tourettes sufferers that think Kevin may have stepped over the line. As he runs back to the square he literally cannot believe how good he is. His own mind can't handle his awesomeness. You can almost see his brain surging toward aneurism. Kevin could have been playing for anybody that day. He could have been wearing a hessian sack on a field of poppies playing against a pack of stormtroopers for all he knew. All Kevin knew was that Kevin was having a blinder.
These days Kevin spends his time broadcasting on SEN and sitting on the AFL’s rules committee. This turns out to be an eternally frustrating combination of roles. It just so happens that Kevin has NEVER been wrong. Not once. Last year Kevin and his wife had an argument about the time. Mrs Bartlett pointed at all the clocks in the house as proof it was 10am. Kevin thought it felt more like 9:45am. So clocks were changed and 9:45am it was. Kevin still believes the world is flat. He dismisses the irrefutable ‘proof’ as flights of fancy. ‘One day those crazy Alaskans will fall off the edge’ Kevin mutters as he stalks around the halls of SEN, a plume of body odour souring the morning milk on the way through. Kevin’s struggles with personal hygiene have been well-documented by those who’ve had the pleasure. When Kevin decides to skip the shower and head straight into the office after his morning run, the stench is so thick you can taste it. Sort of a cross between an oil-refinery and the burnt pubic hair of Laurie Oakes.
With all that in mind it’s a relief that Kevin was such a tremendous footballer who provided Richmond fans with many hours of pleasure, otherwise he’d be challenging Kyle Sandilands in the Worst Human Ever category. But, seriously, and I’m being 100 per cent honest here, our Kevin is not in the same ballpark as that turd. Mark Holden, himself a previous red-hot favourite for the WHE award, was a vacant, horribly self-obsessed, talentless phoney who got the sack from Australian Idol because channel 10 finally realised that he actually HAD NO SOUL.
The zany Mark Holden
So what does Sandilands do as his immediate replacement? He re-creates Holden’s idiotic catchphrase of ‘touchdown!’ to an audience who still have yet to figure out why an American Football reference was being shouted at them in the first place. I have never seen someone so STUPID do something so SHIT in all my life. An equivalent would be Human Nature covering the Crazy Frog song. But even that dosen’t come close.
Come to think of it, maybe Kevin aint that bad?
Worst Human Ever.
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