DozzyIs Mark LeCras Invisible?
September 24th 2009 04:53
First off, I applaud Collingwood supporters for not changing teams regardless of what society thinks. There is no excuse for swapping allegiances, so those that stick with the Pies in the face of overwhelming abuse are to be commended. Honestly, if any minority faced such levels of hatred as Collingwood supporters/players there would be a Royal Commission.
But still, we’re all in on it aren’t we? It’s just a great comfort in these harsh modern times to know that we can all bond together over a common enemy. Pie supporters should try it for one day - forget about the black and white army for just a minute, cross over to our side and feel what its like to all despise the same arsehole. It’s uplifting.
But how does this monumental mass-hatred come about? Its gotta be more than ferals and Eddie McGuire. Look at Hawthorn, they have their share of supporters on day-release and have Jeff Kennnett at the helm (undoubtedly a bigger prick than Eddie).
My theory is that any child that isn’t immediately christened a Collingwood supporter must get the Clockwork Orange treatment. Their eyelids clamped open while a large projector screen plays disjointed clips of past Collingwood players abusing their most cherished possessions.
Judging by the fact that none of us can actually remember this traumatic event, I would suggest it gets done by a Pie-hating medical practitioner somewhere between first words and potty training. And being forced to watch Ron McEwen molesting your household pet obviously leaves long-term mental scars because I was definitely punching the air with glee everytime Paul Chapman kicked a goal last Saturday night.
I can’t imagine a more despised villain than Collingwood in a Saturday night feature since the T-1000 in Terminator 2. Robert Patrick was pure evil in that movie and I bet you there weren’t many in the cinema cheering on that psychotic robot while he slaughtered Ed Furlong’s foster parents. And much like Collingwood at certain times this year, that slippery bastard was a handful. Thankfully in the end he, like the Pies, fell into a massive vat of burning lava just before Grand Final week. I do enjoy those Hollywood endings.
Collingwood’s poor standing in society is not helped when the All Australian selection committee put their heads together. The only difference between them and the Australian cricket selectors is that they probably weren’t shotgunning Fosters cans while they picked names out of a hat like Merve was obviously doing on the latest Ashes tour. Or maybe they were on something a little stronger. Like glue. Or spray paint in a plastic bag. Because that is the only way you could explain the selections of Leon Davis and Nick Maxwell in the final 22. Or Simon Black’s omission from the squad of 40. No St Kilda defender selected…
All Australian selector Kevin Bartlett and I have had our differences, no doubt about it…but we’ve reached a compromise, he doesn’t know who I am and I think he’s senile. This is the man that lobbied hard for Kevin Sheedy to take over at his beloved Tigers for heaven’s sake. How out of touch is that? Yeah Kev, and that Roy Orbison fella is going to take the charts by storm, I can just feel it. There are long-term residents of Nimbin that have a better perception of the game than Bartlett. But he’s got his beak in everything. Whats going on? Has he got pictures of somebody? I think it’s the Dave Hughes syndrome in full effect.
Just take a minute to consider how much Hughes we’re getting at the moment:
Nova morning radio 5 X 3hrs – 15hrs
7pm Project 5 X 30min – 2.5hrs
Before the Game – 1hr
Rove – 1hr
That’s 19.5 hours of Dave Hughes per week!
Add to that his occasional appearances on Spicks and Specks and we’re up to 20.5hrs.
If you dedicated a week to watching and listening Dave Hughes it could be classified as part-time employment by Centrelink. I had less contact hours in my final year at University.
Now, I’m not saying he’s talentless, but I don’t care who you are, that is excessive. You could be a cross between Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Hicks, Rodney Dangerfield and that funny bearded bloke from The Hangover and I would still need some time off to do the washing.
It’s a similar thing with Bartlett – overkill. He’s changing the rules, he’s picking the elite players, he has a daily radio show. Although this is not to say he’s the only one at fault, that entire selection panel need to face the music on the non-selection of Mark LeCras. He kicked 58 goals in a team that was obviously tanking for most of the year. A phenomenal effort. Or what about Jason Porplyzia? The guy is an absolute gun, I don’t think I’ve seen him miss a set-shot since The Secret Life of Us was on prime time. This selection panel need to be held accountable for the most contentious All Australian team in memory, but they won’t. Witnessing Gerard Healy wave away Dane Swan’s phenomenal midfield stats as evidence of why he should - wait for it – be selected in the midfield, was like watching Gary Garry Beers promote the latest INXS tour without Michael Hutchence. Two blokes with their heads deep in the sandpit.
My solution would be to somehow tie selection in with the club's best and fairest awards. There's nowhere to hide in your own club's B&F. Season's are usually judged without bias. It might be a pain in the arse but it also might mean that we wouldn't have Craig Bolton named at CHB in the All Australian team while finishing 12th for his club.
On a brighter note, the two best teams are season facing off in the Grand Final. While the Saints are clearly due, it would be deserving for the Cats to get up again. They’ve been an awesome team to watch for the last three years. They flick the ball around so well in close that you have to watch your own team repeatedly fuck the same thing up to really appreciate how good these blokes are. And the wet only makes them better.
Cats by 22.
But still, we’re all in on it aren’t we? It’s just a great comfort in these harsh modern times to know that we can all bond together over a common enemy. Pie supporters should try it for one day - forget about the black and white army for just a minute, cross over to our side and feel what its like to all despise the same arsehole. It’s uplifting.
My theory is that any child that isn’t immediately christened a Collingwood supporter must get the Clockwork Orange treatment. Their eyelids clamped open while a large projector screen plays disjointed clips of past Collingwood players abusing their most cherished possessions.
Judging by the fact that none of us can actually remember this traumatic event, I would suggest it gets done by a Pie-hating medical practitioner somewhere between first words and potty training. And being forced to watch Ron McEwen molesting your household pet obviously leaves long-term mental scars because I was definitely punching the air with glee everytime Paul Chapman kicked a goal last Saturday night.
Please Ron, don't...
Its brown trousers time!
Collingwood’s poor standing in society is not helped when the All Australian selection committee put their heads together. The only difference between them and the Australian cricket selectors is that they probably weren’t shotgunning Fosters cans while they picked names out of a hat like Merve was obviously doing on the latest Ashes tour. Or maybe they were on something a little stronger. Like glue. Or spray paint in a plastic bag. Because that is the only way you could explain the selections of Leon Davis and Nick Maxwell in the final 22. Or Simon Black’s omission from the squad of 40. No St Kilda defender selected…
All Australian selector Kevin Bartlett and I have had our differences, no doubt about it…but we’ve reached a compromise, he doesn’t know who I am and I think he’s senile. This is the man that lobbied hard for Kevin Sheedy to take over at his beloved Tigers for heaven’s sake. How out of touch is that? Yeah Kev, and that Roy Orbison fella is going to take the charts by storm, I can just feel it. There are long-term residents of Nimbin that have a better perception of the game than Bartlett. But he’s got his beak in everything. Whats going on? Has he got pictures of somebody? I think it’s the Dave Hughes syndrome in full effect.
Just take a minute to consider how much Hughes we’re getting at the moment:
Nova morning radio 5 X 3hrs – 15hrs
7pm Project 5 X 30min – 2.5hrs
Before the Game – 1hr
Rove – 1hr
That’s 19.5 hours of Dave Hughes per week!
Add to that his occasional appearances on Spicks and Specks and we’re up to 20.5hrs.
If you dedicated a week to watching and listening Dave Hughes it could be classified as part-time employment by Centrelink. I had less contact hours in my final year at University.
Now, I’m not saying he’s talentless, but I don’t care who you are, that is excessive. You could be a cross between Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Hicks, Rodney Dangerfield and that funny bearded bloke from The Hangover and I would still need some time off to do the washing.
No.1 with a bullet!
It’s a similar thing with Bartlett – overkill. He’s changing the rules, he’s picking the elite players, he has a daily radio show. Although this is not to say he’s the only one at fault, that entire selection panel need to face the music on the non-selection of Mark LeCras. He kicked 58 goals in a team that was obviously tanking for most of the year. A phenomenal effort. Or what about Jason Porplyzia? The guy is an absolute gun, I don’t think I’ve seen him miss a set-shot since The Secret Life of Us was on prime time. This selection panel need to be held accountable for the most contentious All Australian team in memory, but they won’t. Witnessing Gerard Healy wave away Dane Swan’s phenomenal midfield stats as evidence of why he should - wait for it – be selected in the midfield, was like watching Gary Garry Beers promote the latest INXS tour without Michael Hutchence. Two blokes with their heads deep in the sandpit.
Hutchence was overrated...
My solution would be to somehow tie selection in with the club's best and fairest awards. There's nowhere to hide in your own club's B&F. Season's are usually judged without bias. It might be a pain in the arse but it also might mean that we wouldn't have Craig Bolton named at CHB in the All Australian team while finishing 12th for his club.
On a brighter note, the two best teams are season facing off in the Grand Final. While the Saints are clearly due, it would be deserving for the Cats to get up again. They’ve been an awesome team to watch for the last three years. They flick the ball around so well in close that you have to watch your own team repeatedly fuck the same thing up to really appreciate how good these blokes are. And the wet only makes them better.
Cats by 22.
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