DozzyMichael Vaughn Folds His Undies- Fact!
October 6th 2008 23:14
FEATURING SPECIAL GUEST SCRIBE- thesunnymunn.
Remember when Hahn Ice cans were thirty for thirty?
Remember when Mr Bean was funny?
Remember when Michael Vaughn could bat?
Well, the good honest "white with one (1)" brigade at the ECB certainly do.
So much so in fact, that when it came time to sift through the mire of this year's english cricketing worth and dish out central contracts; some barnshoot muddled the files and Michael "i can't grow a fringe" Vaughn's cretinous odour was to be found wafting its way to the top of the dung heap.
- i say, Jolly good, chaps! Rather!
What the Fuck is going on between the ears of english cricket's big-wigs, and why are they still employing this nerd?
Did the fumes get too much as they re-applied yet another coat of varnish to the dressing room's "Member's Only" sign?
- " i say, chaps, perhaps one should open a louver in this cammode..."
- " Rather! The last time one made a selection in such conditions, an Australian roof-tiler opened our bowling."
- "Hmm, quite. Rather!"
- "Rather!"
Is it done on purpose?
Do the Pumblechooks in charge simply have nothing (0) better to do than pull out the pistols, line up the old size nines (9's) and begin repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot?
Dance, english cricket! Dance!
Cricketing sadists, the lot of them.
Don't get us wrong, here at thebackpocket, we know Michael Vaughn can bat...
Well... he could.
Since his departure from the international scene, he has amassed a gargantuan forty-three (43) runs in four (4) county innings.
Wow.
If that isn't cold hard proof of a swift turnaround in form, i'll go spit... squarely in Geoff Miller's rosy-cheeked face.
Michael Vaughn could not get runs if he dined out on vindaloo and laxatives for a month.
But perhaps we're being harsh, even - heaven forbid - a tad facetious.
After all, championship cricket can prove a barren land for even the most skilfully proficient and technically flawless of batsmen.
Just ask Jason Gillespie, Andy Caddick or Graham Onions; all of whom have grafted more runs than Michael "i won the Ashes.... once" Vaughn, since his triumphant return to the domestic game.
Between organising open-top bus tours and fellating their south african skipper, the ECB would do well to come up for air, wipe their glistening chins and cast a selectorial glance in the direction of those born post moon landing. It seems young men, like Ravi Bopara [twenty-three (23)], recently crowned england's "Young Cricketer Of The Year" and Owais Shah [averaging over forty (41.5) throughout his career] are simply unworthy.
That these talents having been deemed less deserving of selection, for what will essentially serve as a peripheral squad member, is just the latest act in a long line of intransigency.
The re-implementation of Vaughn over future prospects in english cricket smacks not only of sentimentality; it reeks of lunacy.
If Vaughn can somehow conjure up even glimpses of his two thousand and two / two thousand and three (02/03) form, he may yet prove to be a handful once more for opposition bowlers.
This is a long, long way off, if at all.
Until such a time, perhaps he can content himself in a reverie of yesteryear, sipping on Hahns, chuckling to Mr Bean re-runs and penning his memoirs through a selective memory and creative ghost-writer.
- i say, chaps, where is our hero to recapture this elusive form of yonder?
Rather!
On the team bus?
In the nets (where he has professed to "hitting them well" for years now)?
Or possibly whilst injuring his gammy knee running out the refreshments to other, more meritorious members of the team?
Short of hopping in the Delorium and gunning it to eighty-eight (88); Vaughn's form of the past will remain just that.
Andrew Symonds, arguably the world's most destructive all-rounder, goes fishing - Australia sack him.
Michael Vaughn hasn't notched up a score greater than fifty (50 ) since May - the ECB reward him with a central contract.
- I say, bravo chaps! Jolly good! Tetleys and back-slapping all round!
Rather!
If Mr Vaughn's name continues to be in the selection mix down the track, beware fans of english cricket [all two (2) of you] - the ECB is locked and loaded, aiming squarely at the boot laces and itching to fire off a few rounds...
Remember when Hahn Ice cans were thirty for thirty?
Remember when Mr Bean was funny?
Remember when Michael Vaughn could bat?
Well, the good honest "white with one (1)" brigade at the ECB certainly do.
So much so in fact, that when it came time to sift through the mire of this year's english cricketing worth and dish out central contracts; some barnshoot muddled the files and Michael "i can't grow a fringe" Vaughn's cretinous odour was to be found wafting its way to the top of the dung heap.
- i say, Jolly good, chaps! Rather!
Michael Vaughn with the England slips cordon
What the Fuck is going on between the ears of english cricket's big-wigs, and why are they still employing this nerd?
Did the fumes get too much as they re-applied yet another coat of varnish to the dressing room's "Member's Only" sign?
- " i say, chaps, perhaps one should open a louver in this cammode..."
- " Rather! The last time one made a selection in such conditions, an Australian roof-tiler opened our bowling."
- "Hmm, quite. Rather!"
- "Rather!"
Is it done on purpose?
Do the Pumblechooks in charge simply have nothing (0) better to do than pull out the pistols, line up the old size nines (9's) and begin repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot?
Dance, english cricket! Dance!
Cricketing sadists, the lot of them.
Don't get us wrong, here at thebackpocket, we know Michael Vaughn can bat...
Well... he could.
Since his departure from the international scene, he has amassed a gargantuan forty-three (43) runs in four (4) county innings.
Wow.
If that isn't cold hard proof of a swift turnaround in form, i'll go spit... squarely in Geoff Miller's rosy-cheeked face.
Michael Vaughn could not get runs if he dined out on vindaloo and laxatives for a month.
But perhaps we're being harsh, even - heaven forbid - a tad facetious.
After all, championship cricket can prove a barren land for even the most skilfully proficient and technically flawless of batsmen.
Just ask Jason Gillespie, Andy Caddick or Graham Onions; all of whom have grafted more runs than Michael "i won the Ashes.... once" Vaughn, since his triumphant return to the domestic game.
Between organising open-top bus tours and fellating their south african skipper, the ECB would do well to come up for air, wipe their glistening chins and cast a selectorial glance in the direction of those born post moon landing. It seems young men, like Ravi Bopara [twenty-three (23)], recently crowned england's "Young Cricketer Of The Year" and Owais Shah [averaging over forty (41.5) throughout his career] are simply unworthy.
That these talents having been deemed less deserving of selection, for what will essentially serve as a peripheral squad member, is just the latest act in a long line of intransigency.
The re-implementation of Vaughn over future prospects in english cricket smacks not only of sentimentality; it reeks of lunacy.
Twat.
If Vaughn can somehow conjure up even glimpses of his two thousand and two / two thousand and three (02/03) form, he may yet prove to be a handful once more for opposition bowlers.
This is a long, long way off, if at all.
Until such a time, perhaps he can content himself in a reverie of yesteryear, sipping on Hahns, chuckling to Mr Bean re-runs and penning his memoirs through a selective memory and creative ghost-writer.
Michael Vaughn's Passport photo
- i say, chaps, where is our hero to recapture this elusive form of yonder?
Rather!
On the team bus?
In the nets (where he has professed to "hitting them well" for years now)?
Or possibly whilst injuring his gammy knee running out the refreshments to other, more meritorious members of the team?
Short of hopping in the Delorium and gunning it to eighty-eight (88); Vaughn's form of the past will remain just that.
Andrew Symonds, arguably the world's most destructive all-rounder, goes fishing - Australia sack him.
Michael Vaughn hasn't notched up a score greater than fifty (50 ) since May - the ECB reward him with a central contract.
- I say, bravo chaps! Jolly good! Tetleys and back-slapping all round!
Rather!
If Mr Vaughn's name continues to be in the selection mix down the track, beware fans of english cricket [all two (2) of you] - the ECB is locked and loaded, aiming squarely at the boot laces and itching to fire off a few rounds...
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