DozzyWho's In Your Car? - Part 2
November 24th 2009 01:53
From my last post...
There’s a car. A four-wheel drive perhaps. It’s travelling at high speed in treacherous conditions. The car will soon veer off the road and drop from a steep cliff into the ocean. The driver and all four passengers don’t stand a chance.
The question is, out of all the oxygen thieves in the public eye, who do you nominate to fill those five seats?
Back Right
Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock has been a thorn in the side of cinema for the best part of 20 years. For every Pulp Fiction she’s produced a Hope Floats. For every No Country for Old Men you’ll find a Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.
But its not just her vast array of shit films that get her a spot in the backseat - because there would be plenty of contenders if that was the case (I’m looking at you Eric Roberts).
It’s the fact that the sheer force of my hatred towards her has clouded my heterosexual impulse. I’m told she’s beautiful. She’s been a leading lady for 20 years, so I’m guessing she’s in the top percentile of beautiful women in the world. But thanks to her typically hysterical performances in front of the camera I can’t see her beauty. I just get a sharp pain in my temple that makes me want to kill small animals.
This really is an extraordinary effort on her behalf because I have a chequered history when it comes to this type of thing. How else do you explain the fact that I watched Cartoon Connection with Sophie Lee religiously, years before they started showing Pinky and the Brain? I’ve watched entire episodes of Ghost Whisperer because of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Throughout the years I’ve listened to hours of dribble about astrology and shoes and Nivea Visage over lukewarm cups of mint tea just because of good bone structure. So to say I have a poor record in this department is like saying Craig Parry enjoys pies.
***Off topic but have you ever seen another professional sportsman sponsored by Schweppes? Are they actually giving him money to promote the brand or is it just a free hat Craig got when he bought a crate at NQR? There’s Craig with his five dollar Schweppes hat teeing off alongside Tiger who is promoting a company that is probably manufacturing Lear Jets or wristwatches made from Panda teeth or something. Its one of sports most enduring mysteries. Does he just really like their Original Creamy Soda that much? I’m stumped.***
But with Bullock I can’t see it. She is turned up so loud, that I can’t see through the thick red mist to see her (apparent) natural beauty. I’m like a colourblind man shopping for a polo shirt and everything is just a murky grey colour.
Her breakthrough role in Speed was a peculiar experience for me because without realising what was going on I found myself wishing with every fibre of by being for the deranged Dennis Hopper to win. I wanted the entire bus to explode in a ball of fire. I wanted Keanu and this whining newcomer with a greyish complexion to perish in the worst possible way. I wanted a Passion of the Christ-style bloodbath.
***By the way, Keanu Reeves was acted off the screen by Dennis Hopper’s missing thumb in that film. Reminded me of the classic ‘why don’t you tell me this theory of yours and we’ll go get these guys’ exchange with Gary Busey in Point Break. You watch that clip closely and you can almost hear the director in the background asking the lighting technician for some crack because it’s the 42nd take and Reeves aint getting it and ‘life’s too short for this shit’.***
After Speed broke all sorts of records, Bullock was a bone fide star and I was vacuuming the floor mats of my car in anticipation. She then turned her hand to romantic comedies and her astounding lack of charisma was captured on celluloid alongside a string of leading men apparently short of a dollar such as Bill Pullman, Dennis Leary, Ben Affleck and Matt McConaughey.
Bullock actually dated McConaughey for a while, so that means I’m holding her personally responsible for the shocking cinematic decline of ‘Wooderson’ from Dazed and Confused. It may be her most evil triumph, even worse that Miss Congeniality (you know she was nominated for a Golden Globe for her role in that movie. I swear to God. I wouldn’t joke about this. Google it).
McConaughey as Wooderson was one of the greatest film debuts of all time (‘I get older, they stay the same age’) and now he’s whoring himself out for the likes of Failure to Launch. Stinks of Bullock. It’s a goddamn tragedy. The man had the chops to go places. He got arrested at his house for playing bongos in the middle of the night while nude and stoned out of his head. And now he’s appearing in Ghost of Girlfriends Past?! Bullock you wench!
Even her most critically-acclaimed performance in Crash was nauseating beyond belief. She played a snobbish wife of a Senator with a tendency to whine, hardly a stretch. I don’t think she even knew the cameras were on.
Her capacity for quality sequels shouldn’t be forgotten, was there really the need for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous? And what about Speed 2: Cruise Control? Shit even Keanu avoided that one, and this is the bloke that did Jonny Mnemonic.
There’s a car. A four-wheel drive perhaps. It’s travelling at high speed in treacherous conditions. The car will soon veer off the road and drop from a steep cliff into the ocean. The driver and all four passengers don’t stand a chance.
The question is, out of all the oxygen thieves in the public eye, who do you nominate to fill those five seats?
Back Right
Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock has been a thorn in the side of cinema for the best part of 20 years. For every Pulp Fiction she’s produced a Hope Floats. For every No Country for Old Men you’ll find a Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.
It’s the fact that the sheer force of my hatred towards her has clouded my heterosexual impulse. I’m told she’s beautiful. She’s been a leading lady for 20 years, so I’m guessing she’s in the top percentile of beautiful women in the world. But thanks to her typically hysterical performances in front of the camera I can’t see her beauty. I just get a sharp pain in my temple that makes me want to kill small animals.
This really is an extraordinary effort on her behalf because I have a chequered history when it comes to this type of thing. How else do you explain the fact that I watched Cartoon Connection with Sophie Lee religiously, years before they started showing Pinky and the Brain? I’ve watched entire episodes of Ghost Whisperer because of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Throughout the years I’ve listened to hours of dribble about astrology and shoes and Nivea Visage over lukewarm cups of mint tea just because of good bone structure. So to say I have a poor record in this department is like saying Craig Parry enjoys pies.
Get in the hole!
***Off topic but have you ever seen another professional sportsman sponsored by Schweppes? Are they actually giving him money to promote the brand or is it just a free hat Craig got when he bought a crate at NQR? There’s Craig with his five dollar Schweppes hat teeing off alongside Tiger who is promoting a company that is probably manufacturing Lear Jets or wristwatches made from Panda teeth or something. Its one of sports most enduring mysteries. Does he just really like their Original Creamy Soda that much? I’m stumped.***
But with Bullock I can’t see it. She is turned up so loud, that I can’t see through the thick red mist to see her (apparent) natural beauty. I’m like a colourblind man shopping for a polo shirt and everything is just a murky grey colour.
Her breakthrough role in Speed was a peculiar experience for me because without realising what was going on I found myself wishing with every fibre of by being for the deranged Dennis Hopper to win. I wanted the entire bus to explode in a ball of fire. I wanted Keanu and this whining newcomer with a greyish complexion to perish in the worst possible way. I wanted a Passion of the Christ-style bloodbath.
***By the way, Keanu Reeves was acted off the screen by Dennis Hopper’s missing thumb in that film. Reminded me of the classic ‘why don’t you tell me this theory of yours and we’ll go get these guys’ exchange with Gary Busey in Point Break. You watch that clip closely and you can almost hear the director in the background asking the lighting technician for some crack because it’s the 42nd take and Reeves aint getting it and ‘life’s too short for this shit’.***
After Speed broke all sorts of records, Bullock was a bone fide star and I was vacuuming the floor mats of my car in anticipation. She then turned her hand to romantic comedies and her astounding lack of charisma was captured on celluloid alongside a string of leading men apparently short of a dollar such as Bill Pullman, Dennis Leary, Ben Affleck and Matt McConaughey.
Bullock actually dated McConaughey for a while, so that means I’m holding her personally responsible for the shocking cinematic decline of ‘Wooderson’ from Dazed and Confused. It may be her most evil triumph, even worse that Miss Congeniality (you know she was nominated for a Golden Globe for her role in that movie. I swear to God. I wouldn’t joke about this. Google it).
He coulda been somebody
McConaughey as Wooderson was one of the greatest film debuts of all time (‘I get older, they stay the same age’) and now he’s whoring himself out for the likes of Failure to Launch. Stinks of Bullock. It’s a goddamn tragedy. The man had the chops to go places. He got arrested at his house for playing bongos in the middle of the night while nude and stoned out of his head. And now he’s appearing in Ghost of Girlfriends Past?! Bullock you wench!
Even her most critically-acclaimed performance in Crash was nauseating beyond belief. She played a snobbish wife of a Senator with a tendency to whine, hardly a stretch. I don’t think she even knew the cameras were on.
Her capacity for quality sequels shouldn’t be forgotten, was there really the need for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous? And what about Speed 2: Cruise Control? Shit even Keanu avoided that one, and this is the bloke that did Jonny Mnemonic.
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