DozzyWho's In Your Car? - Part I
October 16th 2009 02:35
There’s a great hypothetical game that I’ve often played with mates when in-depth discussions about Natalie Imbruglia’s face have grown stale or it’s the lunch break in the cricket and for some unknown reason Channel Nine has a bunch of catamarans on the telly.
Here’s the scenario.
There’s a car. A four-wheel drive perhaps. It’s travelling at high speed in treacherous conditions. The car will soon veer off the road and drop from a steep cliff into the ocean. The driver and all four passengers don’t stand a chance.
The question is, out of all the oxygen thieves in the public eye, who do you nominate to fill those five seats?
Believe me, this is not an easy task, like choosing which member of Human Nature irritates you the most (the man-child? The guy with bad facial hair who looks like a Star Bar bouncer? The one called Toby?).
There is sure to be plenty of debate. Some of your mates will request a transit van, others a Bell Street Bus. But for the sake of across-the-board consistency its best to stick with a five-seater 4WD. The ‘Jeep Cherokee Sandilands’ maybe. In honour of the only member of the human race that is guaranteed to ride shotgun in every car that will ever perish off the edge of that cliff.
It’s best not to think of this as some kind of fatwa, just a selection of people you really want out of your life. And if this lot are technically already out of your life then you may want to erase them from your memory like Kate Winslet did to Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Before I selected my occupants, I had to impose a few regulations on myself in the name of fairness. Firstly, I’m going for a cross-section of humanity in this carload. This means I can’t just fill the 4WD drive with judges from reality TV shows, who, believe me, were the only ones getting a look in on the first draft. On closer inspection I decided to completely rule them out all together - they just dominated voting so completely. So to my beloved Kyle, Todd McKenny, Andy (I have music credibility because I wear pink Motorhead T-shirts) G, Marcia Hines, Mark Holden and that pompous Masterchef bloke with the neckerchief, you can all breathe easy.
Secondly, I fought the urge to include those I have potted on this blog before, so that means no KB, Tony Grieg, David Caruso, Craig Bellamy, JD Fortune, Ricky Nixon or Andrew Demetriou (this was the toughest sanction of all but I wanted to test myself and push the boundaries - this is my ‘Kid A’).
Finally, in a bid to not sound completely homicidal I will follow this up at some stage with a list of five living legends to partake in the ‘shoot the breeze with while watching Fashion TV with the sound down and drinking a cold Melbourne Bitter’ hypothetical.
The Runners Up
Kobe Bryant - He was once charged with rape so when the cameras are on he clutches onto his wife and kids like a drunk would a goon bag. He won three titles with Shaq, but only really counts last season’s one because it was ‘his team’. Calls himself ‘The Black Mumba’
Jason from that RACV ad – Has there been a more irritating character in an ad ever? Talk about antagonising the consumer, the next time I break down and call RACV assistance I’m gonna punch the mechanic purely on principle.
Dennis Leary – This bloke made a living from completely ripping off the act of the late, great Bill Hicks… ‘I have a scoop for you. I stole his (Leary's) act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.’- Hicks
Any Collingwood player – Except Marvel.
The advertising guru behind the H&R Block ad – This is the one where the guy is covered in tax receipts and features a whistling soundtrack so infuriating it could cause an aneurysm in a corpse. During the Waco siege the FBI played Nancy Sinatra’s ‘These boots are made for walking’ along with the sound of rabbits getting slaughtered at ear-piercing level in an attempt to freak the Branch Davidians out and get them to leave the compound. One play of this jingle and it would have been mass-surrender on a large scale not seen since Port Adelaide in the 2007 Grand Final.
And here it is…The (doomed) Jeep Cherokee Sandilands
Back Left
Arjuna Ranatunga
There are sporting villains and then there was Arjuna Ranatunga, much like there are brutal dictators and then there was Pol Pot. As a complete bastard the former Sri Lankan captain was in a league of his own. He was comically fat, yet he wore those kilos with a strut that suggested he had a harem of ripe young virgins peeling grapes for him on a regular basis. He seemed so lazy and spoilt that when I try and picture the fat man in his downtime I immediately get reminded of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America (‘Your royal penis is clean Your Highness’). Woops, I just threw up in my mouth.
He detested running between the wickets so much that he often just got someone else to do it for him. In a game against Australia in humid conditions in the mid-nineties he called for a runner because…wait for it…he had ‘sprained something’. This lead to Ian Healy’s immortal line that was picked up by the stump mic…‘You can’t get a runner just because you’re a fat, lazy cunt’. Indeed.
It’s really a credit to the poisonous nature of the man that he can get a spot in my backseat considering the amount of jerks involved in international cricket. ‘English Kev’ Pieterson would be a monty in most people’s 4WD, especially considering the fact that he has the three lions tattooed on his arm when he’s about as English as a winning mentality. Then there’s that ‘obnoxious weed’ Harbijhan Sing and Salim ‘The Rat’ Malik…Alan Mulally, Graeme Swan, Stuart Magill anyone? Shit, what a sport! A real prick-magnet! I bet you Jason from the RACV ad bowls first-change.
Back Middle
Fred Durst
He may have faded from the spotlight a tad, but the human race would be remiss to underestimate Durst as they did the Black Plague in the 1300’s. He was the lynchpin of nu-metal in the 90’s – undoubtedly one of the worst music trends of all time. You think you’ve got it tough with the whole emo thing that’s going on at the moment, cast your mind back to the days of Limp Bizkit and I guarantee you’ll be curled up in a corner with your thumb in your mouth within minutes. Instead of tattooed teenagers pining for someone to understand them, nu-metal had front-men like Durst, who was pretty much Biff from 'Back to the Future ' with a mic in his hand. Here was a textbook school bully ripping off the Beastie Boys (badly) over the top of metal riffs they were ripping off from Korn (badly) and selling millions of albums. Disastrous.
But the music was one thing, it’s the character of the bloke that really seals the deal and gets him in the middle seat ahead of other notable musical douches such as Chad Kroeger, Good Charlotte and Sting. For example, how many humans can actually lay claim to instigating a riot at Woodstock!
On the 30th Anniversary of the historic festival that was based on peace, free love and acid, Durst manages to contribute to a massive riot that resulted in untold damage and at least four rapes by ignoring pleas from the promoters to calm the crowd down and screaming ‘I don't think you should mellow out. This is 1999, motherfuckers - stick those Birkenstocks up your ass!’ Wow, what a guy!
When guitarist Wes Boreland left the band, Durst decided to hold a competition for fans to join the band, but when the thousands of guitar-heads turned up they had to sign a contract that said any original riffs they played were the property of Limp Bizkit. Then he rejected all the finalists anyway.
But if I was pressed for a standout Durst career lowlight it would have to be when his band covered The Who’s ‘Behind blue eyes’ (badly) and then misspelt Pete Townshend’s name in the album credits! Way to show your appreciation there Fred.
In closing, just to really ruin your day, here’s a statement from Fred Durst released in February of this year.
“We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other. Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back.”
When you read that, did you get really creeped out like when that little girl combs her hair in the mirror in ‘The Ring’. I know I did.
Rest of the car to follow when I regain my composure.
Just a quick question, did anyone see Oman’s coach this week? Fair character! He’s a cross between Andy Warhol, Martina Navratilova and Bernie Ecclestone. Frightening.
Here’s the scenario.
There’s a car. A four-wheel drive perhaps. It’s travelling at high speed in treacherous conditions. The car will soon veer off the road and drop from a steep cliff into the ocean. The driver and all four passengers don’t stand a chance.
The question is, out of all the oxygen thieves in the public eye, who do you nominate to fill those five seats?
Which one is Toby again?
There is sure to be plenty of debate. Some of your mates will request a transit van, others a Bell Street Bus. But for the sake of across-the-board consistency its best to stick with a five-seater 4WD. The ‘Jeep Cherokee Sandilands’ maybe. In honour of the only member of the human race that is guaranteed to ride shotgun in every car that will ever perish off the edge of that cliff.
It’s best not to think of this as some kind of fatwa, just a selection of people you really want out of your life. And if this lot are technically already out of your life then you may want to erase them from your memory like Kate Winslet did to Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Before I selected my occupants, I had to impose a few regulations on myself in the name of fairness. Firstly, I’m going for a cross-section of humanity in this carload. This means I can’t just fill the 4WD drive with judges from reality TV shows, who, believe me, were the only ones getting a look in on the first draft. On closer inspection I decided to completely rule them out all together - they just dominated voting so completely. So to my beloved Kyle, Todd McKenny, Andy (I have music credibility because I wear pink Motorhead T-shirts) G, Marcia Hines, Mark Holden and that pompous Masterchef bloke with the neckerchief, you can all breathe easy.
Secondly, I fought the urge to include those I have potted on this blog before, so that means no KB, Tony Grieg, David Caruso, Craig Bellamy, JD Fortune, Ricky Nixon or Andrew Demetriou (this was the toughest sanction of all but I wanted to test myself and push the boundaries - this is my ‘Kid A’).
Finally, in a bid to not sound completely homicidal I will follow this up at some stage with a list of five living legends to partake in the ‘shoot the breeze with while watching Fashion TV with the sound down and drinking a cold Melbourne Bitter’ hypothetical.
The Runners Up
Kobe Bryant - He was once charged with rape so when the cameras are on he clutches onto his wife and kids like a drunk would a goon bag. He won three titles with Shaq, but only really counts last season’s one because it was ‘his team’. Calls himself ‘The Black Mumba’
Jason from that RACV ad – Has there been a more irritating character in an ad ever? Talk about antagonising the consumer, the next time I break down and call RACV assistance I’m gonna punch the mechanic purely on principle.
My fists are getting all itchy...
Dennis Leary – This bloke made a living from completely ripping off the act of the late, great Bill Hicks… ‘I have a scoop for you. I stole his (Leary's) act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.’- Hicks
Any Collingwood player – Except Marvel.
The advertising guru behind the H&R Block ad – This is the one where the guy is covered in tax receipts and features a whistling soundtrack so infuriating it could cause an aneurysm in a corpse. During the Waco siege the FBI played Nancy Sinatra’s ‘These boots are made for walking’ along with the sound of rabbits getting slaughtered at ear-piercing level in an attempt to freak the Branch Davidians out and get them to leave the compound. One play of this jingle and it would have been mass-surrender on a large scale not seen since Port Adelaide in the 2007 Grand Final.
And here it is…The (doomed) Jeep Cherokee Sandilands
Back Left
Arjuna Ranatunga
There are sporting villains and then there was Arjuna Ranatunga, much like there are brutal dictators and then there was Pol Pot. As a complete bastard the former Sri Lankan captain was in a league of his own. He was comically fat, yet he wore those kilos with a strut that suggested he had a harem of ripe young virgins peeling grapes for him on a regular basis. He seemed so lazy and spoilt that when I try and picture the fat man in his downtime I immediately get reminded of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America (‘Your royal penis is clean Your Highness’). Woops, I just threw up in my mouth.
He detested running between the wickets so much that he often just got someone else to do it for him. In a game against Australia in humid conditions in the mid-nineties he called for a runner because…wait for it…he had ‘sprained something’. This lead to Ian Healy’s immortal line that was picked up by the stump mic…‘You can’t get a runner just because you’re a fat, lazy cunt’. Indeed.
It’s really a credit to the poisonous nature of the man that he can get a spot in my backseat considering the amount of jerks involved in international cricket. ‘English Kev’ Pieterson would be a monty in most people’s 4WD, especially considering the fact that he has the three lions tattooed on his arm when he’s about as English as a winning mentality. Then there’s that ‘obnoxious weed’ Harbijhan Sing and Salim ‘The Rat’ Malik…Alan Mulally, Graeme Swan, Stuart Magill anyone? Shit, what a sport! A real prick-magnet! I bet you Jason from the RACV ad bowls first-change.
Back Middle
Fred Durst
He may have faded from the spotlight a tad, but the human race would be remiss to underestimate Durst as they did the Black Plague in the 1300’s. He was the lynchpin of nu-metal in the 90’s – undoubtedly one of the worst music trends of all time. You think you’ve got it tough with the whole emo thing that’s going on at the moment, cast your mind back to the days of Limp Bizkit and I guarantee you’ll be curled up in a corner with your thumb in your mouth within minutes. Instead of tattooed teenagers pining for someone to understand them, nu-metal had front-men like Durst, who was pretty much Biff from 'Back to the Future ' with a mic in his hand. Here was a textbook school bully ripping off the Beastie Boys (badly) over the top of metal riffs they were ripping off from Korn (badly) and selling millions of albums. Disastrous.
McFly...McFly!
But the music was one thing, it’s the character of the bloke that really seals the deal and gets him in the middle seat ahead of other notable musical douches such as Chad Kroeger, Good Charlotte and Sting. For example, how many humans can actually lay claim to instigating a riot at Woodstock!
On the 30th Anniversary of the historic festival that was based on peace, free love and acid, Durst manages to contribute to a massive riot that resulted in untold damage and at least four rapes by ignoring pleas from the promoters to calm the crowd down and screaming ‘I don't think you should mellow out. This is 1999, motherfuckers - stick those Birkenstocks up your ass!’ Wow, what a guy!
When guitarist Wes Boreland left the band, Durst decided to hold a competition for fans to join the band, but when the thousands of guitar-heads turned up they had to sign a contract that said any original riffs they played were the property of Limp Bizkit. Then he rejected all the finalists anyway.
But if I was pressed for a standout Durst career lowlight it would have to be when his band covered The Who’s ‘Behind blue eyes’ (badly) and then misspelt Pete Townshend’s name in the album credits! Way to show your appreciation there Fred.
In closing, just to really ruin your day, here’s a statement from Fred Durst released in February of this year.
“We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other. Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back.”
When you read that, did you get really creeped out like when that little girl combs her hair in the mirror in ‘The Ring’. I know I did.
Rest of the car to follow when I regain my composure.
Just a quick question, did anyone see Oman’s coach this week? Fair character! He’s a cross between Andy Warhol, Martina Navratilova and Bernie Ecclestone. Frightening.
Zoom out, zoom out!
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